Today, we will be looking at an opinion essay and giving it a rating from an examiner’s perspective. The essay in this IELTS task 2 rating would score 5.5 in the test.
Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
You should write at least 250 words.
Before talking about the essential role of the death penalty, you have to think about the meaning, and the purpose, of any kind of punishment. If you consider that the purpose is to prevent the guilty from being nasty again, you can be seduced by an argumentation in favour of the suppression of capital punishment.
But you have to think about another aspect of the problem: a punishment is also useful to impress people, to make them fear the law. In fact, let’s take the example of a young misfit, which has grown in a violent atmosphere, influenced by older delinquents, etc. He lives in the streets; he’s got no aim but to survive. This is the kind of person who could possibly kill someone for money, or even for fun. Why would he fear prison? Life would be easier for him there. In addition, in many cases, when you behave normally, you can benefit from penalty reductions. This young misfit needs to be impressed; he needs to know that the law is a frontier. When you cross it, you can lose your life. That is why capital punishment helps keep a distance between robbery and murder. If you abolish it, you suppress the difference between these two types of crime, which are completely different.
But there is also a limit to define: even if the death penalty is unavoidable, it would be a crime to apply it to inadequate cases. If there is no premeditation or past facts which can justify such a punishment, it is far too strict to apply the death penalty. That is why the lawmakers have to establish precisely the context in which capital punishment car being pronounced. That is the price to pay to limit violence without using excessive violence.
Coherence
The first thing you will notice about this essay is that there are only three paragraphs. The first paragraph does not read like an introduction but an unfinished body paragraph, it doesn’t clearly tell the reader what is going to be discussed in the essay. The last sentence mentions ‘the suppression of capital punishment ‘ but the next paragraph is about deterring criminals from committing crimes so there is no clear progression here. There is also a lack of cohesive devices, and on reading the full essay you will also notice that there is no conclusion, so the writer is not going to score higher than a 5. It may seem odd to start with coherence rather than task response, but inadequate paragraphing stands out immediately here, so it is easy to rate. Examiners would usually look at task response first.
Band 5
- Presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall progression
- Makes inadequate, inaccurate or overuse of cohesive devices
- May be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate.
Task Response
The writer has not fully addressed the question for task response. The last sentence in the first paragraph is not clear at all and is a contradiction. If the purpose is to stop criminals reoffending or committing violent crime again it is not likely to be ‘supressed’ as the writer says. The second paragraph talks about deterring criminals and we can assume through that crimes of violence can be reduced. I have also underlined a sentence where the writer drifts off topic by talking about ‘penalty reductions’. In the last paragraph the writer talks about under which circumstances capital punishment should be given as a sentence which is not related to the question prompt. Also, the last sentence doesn’t really make any sense. The whole essay is poorly written, and it is difficult to come to any clear conclusions. An important point to note, the tone of the essay is inappropriate. The writer uses ‘you’ in the first two paragraphs as if speaking to someone. Writing task 2 is an academic essay and therefore requires a formal tone ie Before discussing the essential role of the death penalty, the meaning, and the purpose, of any kind of punishment should be considered.
Band 5
- addresses the task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places
- expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn
- presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail
Lexis
There are quite a few word-choice errors, the most obvious being ‘you’ as already discussed. In the first paragraph ‘being nasty again’ could be changed to ‘reoffending ’. In the second paragraph the writer uses ‘impress people’ and ‘needs to be impressed’. It would be more appropriate to use ‘deter’ and ‘deterred’ here ie ‘deter people’ and ‘needs to be deterred’. ‘Living in the street’ should be ‘living on the streets’. You will also notice that when referencing the male pronoun ‘he’ is used. It would have been more appropriate to just say ‘young person’ instead of ‘misfit’ and then use the plural pronoun ‘they’ to include both male and female. In academic writing nowadays it is inappropriate to use language that excludes one of the sexes – ‘sexist language’. We often use ‘people’ or ‘person’ to include both male and female ie Man is a social animal – People are social animals. In the last sentence ‘car’ should obviously be ‘can’ and ‘be pronounced’ are errors – ‘can be given or used’ would be better. Overall, the vocabulary is adequate for the task.
Band 6
- Uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- Attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- Makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammar
There are some errors with contractions ‘let’s’ and ‘he’s’. In academic essays always use the full forms of words as we only use contractions in informal writing or speech. The use of ‘etc’ means the sentence in the second paragraph is incomplete. Avoid using ‘etc’ and ‘so on’.
The main causes of pollution are factory emissions, car exhaust emissions, discharge of waste into rivers etc.
We can change into the complete sentence below.
The main causes of pollution are factory emissions, car exhaust emissions, and discharge of waste into rivers.
There are quite a few simple sentences in the second paragraph, but punctuation is actually well controlled throughout the essay.
Band 6
- Uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
- Makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
That brings an end to this essay rating. If you are preparing for your IELTS test and want to find out a bit more about task 2, check out our post giving five tips to improve your IELTS writing task 2! Our candidate would have scored a 5 for coherence and task achievement, with grammar and vocabulary scoring 6 each, giving an overall score of 5.5. Is there anything that surprised you about this essay’s score? Have your say, and comment in the section below! Click here for the full public IELTS task 2 writing descriptors.
