Following on from our ‘Basics’ post, today we will put those tips into practice and look at the complete essay.
As previously mentioned, we need to brainstorm for our ideas. We will use the example below as we already have the introduction and conclusion from the other post to use.
Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Basic outline
Body 1 – causes – lots of parents don’t cook for their children – children buy junk food – parents prepare processed meals – hobbies have changed – children spend a lot of time indoors playing computer games
Body 2 – effects – obesity is a health problem in itself – lead to future health problems – diabetes – early onset heart attack or stroke – low self- esteem
Body 3 – solutions – schools should teach children how to cook and the value of healthy eating – parents should prepare healthy meals for children and encourage them to do more exercise – good for parents and children
Remember you may have a lot of ideas, but you do not need to use them all.
The modern diet and hobbies of children have changed dramatically over the last few decades. As a result, many nations are now trying to deal with an explosion in the number of obese children. In my opinion, the causes of this disturbing trend are poor dietary habits and a sedentary lifestyle which can lead to some serious future health problems. (can clearly see what I will discuss in my essay)
Firstly, as many parents are busy at work, they have little time to cook and often give children processed meals which are high in fat and sugars but easy to prepare quickly. Also, hobbies have changed a great deal in recent years and children are likely to spend most of their time indoors playing on a computer or other video games. Consequently, due to a poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle many children become obese. (causes)
Obesity is obviously a health problem in itself but can lead to further health issues in the future. For instance, diabetes has become a global health issue now and is directly linked to obesity. Being significantly overweight also increases the risk of early onset heart disease and the possibility of a heart attack or stroke. (effects)
One possible solution would be to reintroduce cooking classes at school to teach children the value of good nutrition and the ability to prepare healthy meals. Parents should also take responsibility for their child’s diet and prepare healthy meals for them. They could also encourage children to do more exercise rather than spending hours on a computer. This would not only be good for children but also the parents would benefit. (solutions)
In conclusion, I believe the main reasons for such an increase in obese children are a poor diet and lack of exercise which puts them at risk of developing further health problems. However, if some of the solutions offered above were undertaken by parents and schools this disturbing trend could be eradicated. (summarise the main points and give your final comment on the topic)
(313 words Band 9)
As you can see from this essay, I haven’t used any mind-boggling vocabulary. Many students make the mistake of learning complex vocabulary, believing that they will increase their score. However, the vocabulary is most often used inappropriately and can affect the clarity of the essay for the reader. The ideas are on topic, the range and accuracy level of lexis and grammar in this essay are obviously good because it is written by a native speaker. Paragraphing is appropriate for the task and the essay can easily be followed by the reader. You will notice a good range of ‘Transition Signals’ such as – ‘Firstly’ – ‘Also’ – As a consequence’ which will increase your score but it is important not to overuse them otherwise the essay reads unnatural.
A length of 313 words may seem a little long, but if you can write well and have ideas for the topic then your essays are likely to be a little longer than the recommended 250 words which is the minimum requirement. If you keep practising your writing following this plan, increasing your vocabulary by familiarising yourself with the AWL and ACL you will be able to write Band 7 essays.
