Today, we will look at another essay and see how the writer has answered the question. This task 2 band 6 essay is about the effect that technology has on people learning traditional skills. Read on to find out why this task 2 essay only scores band 6!
When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words
Read the essay below, and then we will discuss the issues with it.
Countries all around the world have had a huge development over the decades. After several evolution, such as the industrial evolution, many new technologies have been investigated and developed over the years. Some people say that when technologies are developed, (the traditional skills and ways of life will die out). They also own the view that (it is pointless to try and keep traditional skills alive). I think people should make a balance between modern technology and traditional skills.
There is no doubt that modern technology is extremely efficient, whereas traditional ways have a lower productivity. For example, the agriculture in the past mainly depends on the climate while modern technology doesn’t. If there is no rain and soil becomes dry, those plants would die in the past. However new technology can solve it by artificial rainfalls. Moreover, it takes a lot of time for people to cultivate crops by traditional ways. New technology makes it much more convenient and faster which save farmers’ time. In addition, people used to use pigeons to send envelopes to others. Nowadays, people only have to click on their phones and they can easily make a phone call or send messages to others.
However, traditional skills are also very important. Traditions embody the vulture and the country is based upon the culture. The continuation of civilization highly depends on traditions. Imagine that if Chinese people can no more speak Chinese , are they Chinese people any more? Moreover, without the traditional skills people cannot learn basic knowledge to investigate those new technologies.
In conclusion, I think both modern technology and traditional skills are very important. People should learn traditional skills and prevent them from disappearing.
Task achievement
The writer has responded to the task and given good ideas in the first body paragraph. In the second body paragraph, however, the ideas are quite simple, need to be expanded, and more fully developed. Simple ideas do not always affect your band score, but you do need to develop them. If ideas are too simple, you may not be able to show proper development. The conclusion is simple, but the writer gives an opinion and it is relevant to the topic. Remember, the reader should know what your essay talks about and what your main ideas are just by reading the conclusion. Try to summarise the main ideas here for better task achievement.
Band 6
- Addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
- Presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
- Presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and cohesion
When you look at this essay, the introduction is very long. In the rest of the essay, the writer has used clear paragraphing, but transition signals are mechanical they always use the same ones ‘However’ and ‘Moreover’. It is better to use a few different transitions to avoid repeating them. They are also always the first word in the sentence. Try to change where they appear in the sentence for less mechanical writing.
Band 6
- Arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
- Uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
- May not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
- Uses paragraphing, but not always logically
Lexical resource
You may notice the writer has copied bits from the question into the introduction. The examiner would ignore this language it would not help your vocabulary. The copied words also do not count, so it can make your essay shorter. Even without these words, the essay is still 261 words long, which is enough for task 2. The writer would score higher without copying and using better word choices. Shortening the introduction would also improve coherence.
Many countries around the world have experienced considerable development over the last century. A lot of new technologies have been invented and developed over the years and some people argue that traditional skills have been lost as a result. In my opinion, modern technology should be embraced, but not at the expense of traditional skills.
There are lots of word choice errors, but they do not affect communication. Some examples are: ‘use pigeons to send envelopes’ – ‘envelopes’ should be replaced with ‘letters’- ‘embody the vulture’ should be ‘culture’ and ‘highly depends on’ – this is better without the word ‘highly’.
Band 6
- Uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- Attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- Makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical range and accuracy
Grammar is controlled quite well and there is nothing that affects communication. There is a mixture of simple and complex sentences but lots of punctuation and article errors. There is a contraction in body paragraph 1. Try not to use these in an academic essays. Also, the writer has used a ‘rhetorical question’- Imagine that if Chinese people can no more speak Chinese , are they Chinese people any more? . A rhetorical question is one that is not answered, and the writer may answer the question in the paragraph. However, they are most often used in speaking and informal writing, not in academic essays.
Band 6
- Uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
- Makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
Not all the errors have been corrected in this essay. This task 2 band 6 essay has a few noticeable problems that we have discussed. Read the essay again and see how you would improve it. If you are preparing for your IELTS test and want to find out a bit more about task 2, check out our post giving five tips to improve your IELTS writing task 2! Our candidate would have scored a 5 for coherence and task achievement, with grammar and vocabulary scoring 6 each, giving an overall score of 5.5. Is there anything that surprised you about this essay’s score? Have your say, and comment in the section below! Click here for the full public IELTS task 2 writing descriptors.
